3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Are we in a gay sports bar?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
