When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
