Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
