Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
