filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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