You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Can you bring me the toilet please
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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