This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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