dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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