nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
