the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
being pregnant is like rehab
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
