Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just google imaged poop.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
