the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
