I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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