Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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