and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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