Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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