My boss' voice literally gives me gas
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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