Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
