i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
