and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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