I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
