My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
