Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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