I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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