You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
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And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
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We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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