Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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