At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
