i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
