It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
