I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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