i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
