I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
