Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
