yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
