you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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