Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize