i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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