shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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