What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
