so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
