im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
