She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
