4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
