why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
