I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I would ride that face into the sunset
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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