just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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