What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
