My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
