I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
