My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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