Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
