Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
