Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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