I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize