Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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