when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Bring me that man meat
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
