I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
