seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
