I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
