So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
