So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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