it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
