I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
