Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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