I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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