I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
