my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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