The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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