It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
