I'm lost and stupid without you.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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